Itiraf - Confession

 " But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger? "

On iki yil onceydi..

Oylesine birseydi bizim aramizda ki, birbirimizin yüzünü senelerce görmeden,yine senelerce beraber olmanin planlarini yapiyorduk.
Saatlerce süren telefon konusmalarimiz,gülüsmelerimiz,mektuplarimiz, kirmizi guller : )

Ona verdigim sozleri tutmadim.Kalbini kirdim . Hayatimda belki de ilk defa ( yok ,ikinci defa  ) bir erkegin nasil bir çocuk gibi aglayabilecegine şahit oldum , üstelik  sadece bana  - Lütfen beni bekle ..diye yalvariyordu .

O güzel gözlerine ,ictenligine, sabrina...ona nasil kiydim, bilmiyorum..
Korkularima yenik dustum,bencilce davrandim.
Ve Biliyorum,dönüsü yok.

Bazi seylerden kaçmanin sadece "bazi seyleri " daha da  güçlendirdigini ögrendim.
Ve  "Bir korkak gibi defalarca   ölmektense ,  bir defa ölmenin daha cesurca oldugunu " ..

:*





 " But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger? "

It was twelve years ago ...

It was such a thing btwn us  that we planned to be together  for years without even seeing each other for years.
Talking for hours on the phone ,   giggling  together ,our letters , red roses  : )

I was  witness to a man crying like a child  for the first time in my life  ( or  it was second time ) Moreover he was begging me and saying "Please wait for me  "

I don't know how i could do this to him .. to his  beautiful eyes..  to his sincerity ..to his patience..
I  was defeated by my cravenness and  acted so  selfish.
And i know there is no way to go back.

I have learned that running away from something just make " something " stronger
and  " it is better to die only once than dying everyday like a coward. "
 
: *

gece isiltisini gozlerinde izledigim sevgili -the lover i watched night lights on his eyes ..

 Oysaki, gercekten ayaklarim yerden kesilmisti,bir zamanlar...
ilk tanistigimiz gun,kapiyi acip onu karsimda bulunca,birkac saniye kipirdayamamistim,o kollarini kavusturmustu bana bakarken..
Ben konusurken, sessizce beni dinliyordu kafasi omzumda...ya da ben, gecenin isiltisini  guzel,iri ela gozlerinde izliyordum o konusurken (nasil bir goruntudurki bu ,hala bu kadar net bir sekilde aklimda !)


Birkac saat icinde bulusacagimizi bilmeme ragmen,.derste,kitabin ilk sayfasina  "Sanat Tarihi dersi ve ben seni dusunuyorum,seni seviyorum.. " diye silinmez notlar yazdigimda oldu... Evin icinde, elleri belimde,ellerim boynunda guya vals yaparmis gibi delicesine dondugumuzu hatirliyorum (Celine Dion'un I love you parcasi ile :)))
Sokak ortasinda bagira bagira kavga ettigimiz gun,kitaplarini yere savurdugunuda hatirliyorum.
Salincakta beraberce sallanip kahkahalarla guldugumuz deniz kokulu geceyi...Beni ilk optugu gun calan parcayi...apartmanin  en alt katindaki bilardo masasinda oynasmamizi (Apartman gorevlisi gelene kadar). Yaptigim yemegi begendigi zaman ,isaret parmagini optukten sonra dudaklarima degdirmesini... birbirimize verdigimiz sozler,gece boyunca simsiki sarilip,dudaklarim dudaklarinda uyumamizi... 'sen benim karim , sevgilim, dostum,sen benim herseyimsin' deyip defalarca opmesini..


Hatirliyorum..


Belki yasimiz kucuk diye  (17-19) belki onun haberi olmadan,ondan bekledigim seyler ya da benden bekledigi seyler,benim haberim olmadan..
ya da  sadece 
yanlis zamandi.


Beraber oldugumuz dokuzyuzoniki  gunun,  binbesyuz  gunu onu gercekten sevdim, o da beni sevdi,biliyorum.


Bazen ne kadar icten soz versenizde, zamanlama kotudur 
ya da
 herhangi bir mazaret olmaksizin ,sozlerinizi tutamasiniz işte!


Oldugu yerde birakmak, guzel zamanlari sadece hatirlamak lazim ve fazla kurcalamamak gecmişi  ;)

Ne  boyle bir aski yasadigim icin pismanim, ne de bittigi icin pismanim.



  Yet i felt thread on air,when i loved him,once upon a time...

 The day i have met him;i opened the door, and i couldn't move for some seconds,while he was looking at me,standing right there with crossed arms..
His head was  on my shoulder and listened to my talks, quietly ..or  i was watching the night's light on his beautiful hazel eyes while he was talking ( what kind of image was it,i still can remember so clear !)

I was writing letters to him while i knew we were going to meet within couple of hours.
In the classroom,i  wrote indelible notes to the first page of my book ' Art history class and i think about you,i love you..'  We were rotated in the house like waltz dance,while my hands were on his neck and his hands were on my belly (with Celine Dion's I love you song ) :))
Arguing loudly on middle of the street until he throw his books to  the floor...
Swinging and laughing together in a sea smelled night.. the song played on day he kissed me for the first time...making out in billiard room downstairs ( till doormen arrived)..kiss his fingertip then touching to my lips with the same finger to tell me how much he likes what i cooked... our small heart shaped notebooks to write small notes or even poems to each other..promises we gave each other,holding each other so tightly at nights,sleeping when our lips were touching..telling me-ur my wife,my darling,my buddy,you are my everything..then kissing me over and over...

I remember...

Maybe, we were too young (17 and 19) or maybe i expected too much without telling him what i expect or his expectations for the same reason or it is just because wrong time.

I really loved him for thousand five hundred days while we we together for  nine hundred and twelve days and he loved me too,i know it.
Sometimes, no matter how sincerely you promise,timing is so bad or  you can not keep your promises without any excuses.

Better to leave it where it is staying and just remembering the good times withing scratching  the past too much ;)

I am not regretful  for having lived a love like that neither for  it is over.




not:Aslinda ,sarkimiz bu degildi ama boyle bir konuya ancak boyle bir parca gider diye dusundum.
It was not actually our song but i thought it would be better for this kind of subject :)